Autism and Asperger's: What is it? My perspective.

Today is World Autism Awareness day, and back in 1996 at the age of 10, I was put on that spectrum by a psychiatrist, diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome.

In recent times, I have been wondering what Asperger Syndrome really is. I mean really!

Throughout my life, I have had Autism and Asperger Syndrome be described as a whole variety of things. A mental illness, a learning disability, a learning difficulty, a mental health issue, a neurological disorder, a "Mind-blindness" and even a disease!

There are so many terms that Autism and Asperger Syndrome are given and virtually all of these terms come from some so-called "professional". So what is Autism and Asperger Syndrome. I should also mention at this point that both Autism and Asperger Syndrome are collectively called Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASDs) although, how "disordered" are ASD people exactly? 

So what do I think of these terms? Well, I am going to give an answer to this question that is going to be a lot simpler than the shortlist above.

To me, Autism and Asperger Syndrome are nothing more that a difference in the way people think and perceive things. The only reason any term ever exists is because someone sees something different in someone or something.

To me, that's what Asperger's really is. A difference! If the world was better able to accept the differences in people than we wouldn't need a lot of these terms that exist today.

As far as my own life is concerned, "Asperger Syndrome" is just a term for others to understand me and people like me better. As far as I am concerned, I am just another human being. I do not need to give myself any kind of label because as far as I am concerned, I am just me! I am just good old Richard!

If the world learned to understand that different people are just different and not better or worse than our world will be a much better place and our lives will be a lot more enriching.

Autistic people are just different. That's It! Once you realise that you don't have to create anymore stories about what an ASD person is.

Happy April everyone and remember, embrace difference!

Why NOT finding love may have been the best thing for me.

I have a confession to make. I will be 31 next month and I am still single. Well, to say that I am "single" is an understatement. Not only am I single but I am also do not have any really close friends. In fact, I would go as far as saying that I haven't really had a lot of success with people. I have often found myself in fall-outs with so many people and on many occasions that I have often left talks feeling emotionally destroyed. 

There has been times when I have questioned my own ability to communicate to people successfully, and there has also been times where I have felt that I am simply destined to find myself in an argument at some point.

Many people claim that I "take things too literally" and that is because many people in my life communicate in ways that I simply do not understand. Many people use phrases and other forms of indirect language that mentally take me in the wrong direction. This has often lead me to be either confused or offended by their words.

However, I have now realised that most of the mishaps that have had in verbal communication is not my fault because I have grown up in an environment where most people often speak without conscience and are often not even aware of the words that they are saying. I have come to the conclusion that maybe it is simply not trying to be too close to somebody as it often ends in heartbreak in the end.

Maybe I will have a girlfriend one day, but I guess I've just got to accept that not many people think about language the same way that I do.

The Myth of Normal

The myth of Normal.

"You are not normal" (but who is?)

One of the things that I (like many asperger people) have had to endure throughout my life is to be told that I am not "normal". Now I realise that "normal" is very subjective and the perception of what "normal" is can depend on many different factors. The people you are with, your environment and the culture you grew up in. I now realise that when people say to you that you are not "normal" it means that you are not meeting the expectations of what another person believes to be the way that all humans are suppose to be. But who really is normal? What does normal mean?

 The (non) definition of "normal".

I have just looked up the word "normal" in the Oxford English Dictionary and one amazing thing that I discovered about it's definition of the word "normal" is...

...it hasn't really got one. LOL

It just casually describes it as an adjective meaning "usual" "typical" or "expected". So basically when we call someone or something "normal" it is usually because we automatically assume that certain events are going to occur or that we are so used to seeing someone or something in a certain way that we subconsciously find it impossible to view a person, object or subject in a different way.

 My "Madness"

When I was a kid I was called "mad" many times by my own mother. I had (and to an extent still have) many behaviour patterns that my mother did not like for example talking to my self or "pacing up and down". Most of these behavioural traits were mainly caused by intense thought and anxiety.

During my adolescence I had a really hard time being called terms like "mad" and "abnormal". There were even times where it got to the point where I would get into a violent temper. I was extremely hurt by those words and the pain of such terms was often unbearable.

The feeling of not being fully accepted as who I am by my family is still there to this day but now I realise that you cannot rely on anyone for happiness.

 The Imprisonment of Normal.

I will just summarise what we have learnt about the word "Normal". "Normal" can be describe as a series of conditions that are accepted by society. However, what I have realised recently is that the only reason that "Normal" exists is that society in general are usually afraid of differences because that don't know how to deal with them.

The trouble is that we often underestimate the complexity of the human race which means we develop a somewhat narrow perception of what people are or what they can be.

If you think you are "normal" that you are really putting yourself in some kind of prison. It means you have a limited perception of people and society and you miss out on how unique you are (or could be) and the uniqueness of other people. If you can open yourself to all different kinds of people your quality of life will improve because you will have more friends and you will have a better understanding of all human beings.

My Review of 2015

MY REVIEW OF 2015

I started this year seeing it as a year of new beginnings. Before the year actually started, I was introduced to a Japanese live streaming site called “NicoNico” which broadcasts live Shogi (Japanese Chess) events, especially professional title matches.

On Saturday 7^th February I was introduced to the “Mind” hub in East Croydon which I registered for before the start of the year. “Mind” is a charity that deals with people with various mental health issues and learning disabilities. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to go as often as I would have like and other places too because of the illnesses that I have suffered this year.

I joined a new free online Chess playing site called “Lichess” on Wednesday 18^th February after my counselling appointment.

I was also introduced to a fortnightly group called the “Aspergen Coffee Morning” where people on the autistic spectrum talk about various life experiences which I first joined on Wednesday 5^th August. The nicest thing for me joining this group was that I saw a good amount of women on the spectrum. (Women with Autism are not easy to find.)

This year has been an emotional year for me in terms of on-the-board Chess. There was a time where I thought I successfully defended the Stoneleigh Trophy title for South Norwood only to find that in our deciding match was drawn instead of a win for South Norwood because of a rule that I overlooked. What was worse, Guilford won the their final match of the competition by default because their opponents Castles for whatever reason couldn’t turn up for their away match which meant that it was instead Guildford that won the title. The Stoneleigh campaign was just one of many near misses I had during the spring. I had 2 chances to win the CCF Division 1 individual championship but losing both the last games. In the first of those games I was one rightly timed white pawn push away from winning the title. The next near miss was an embarrassing loss for my “Hat-Trick” CCF Super League team. In a complicated struggle, I was probably heading for a small endgame advantage only to suddenly allow a back-rank checkmate. That was a very difficult thing for me to take. After that we at South Norwood also lost our Ellery Williams Memorial Trophy title to Dorking on the final match of the season. I won my game but the rest of the team lost theirs and we lost 3-1.

On Thursday 14^th May, I played my last ever home match for South Norwood Chess Club. It was a Croydon League match against West Wickham. I won my own game on time. It was the first time ever that I won a Standard play game on the clock. The team won the match 3-1. After the match, I shook hands with all the members and guests who were present at the club that night.

Something unfortunate happened to me the previous day. On Friday 15^th May, I was busy cleaning my shower room when I suddenly had a big sneeze which saw me back in my bed as I was actually fatigued by the sneeze. Later that evening, I was out to buy some food when I experienced chronic breathing difficulties and eventually had to come home and call the ambulance. I spent 3 days in hospital and was put on a 3 week programme of very strong medication. However, when I returned home from hospital, I saw a tall postal package at my door. I didn’t know what it was at first but then I saw some Japanese writing at the front and then I knew exactly what it was. It was my Shogi Certificate from the Japan Shogi Association which I ordered around the time of my birthday. (12^th April) Shogi is a Japanese board game related to Chess and the objective is the same. Capture the opponent’s king. I first learnt about the game in 2008 and have played on-line regularly.

I played in the Felce Cup for only the third time since my debut in 2010. I had to go to the Trinity Road club in Wimbledon to play the games. It was a ropy start to the campaign with 3 straight draws followed by a loss in the fourth round after a long endgame struggle. In the fifth game I was lucky to escape with another draw after getting into some trouble in the opening, and then I finally had back to back wins before a fifth draw and then I lost my final game. One of the six players withdrew so the first game did not count in the final standings which meant that I finished the tournament with 4 out of 8 points, sharing 2^nd place and just half a point behind the eventual section winner. The winner of the tournament came from Dorking.

Back in August, I had a message from somebody I knew in person of Facebook. He asked if I was interested in running one of the CCF Super League teams. At first I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be a team captain at CCF as I initially wanted to have more time focusing on other thing outside of Chess. However, after some thought I decided to take up the challenge. Eventually I decided to become captain two Super league teams. One for Long-play Super league and one for Rapid-Play version. I decided to give them both the same name. “The Dragon Kings”. The name was inspired by one of the professional title matches in Shogi.

On the spiritual side of things, I decided early on in the year that my biggest barrier to a happy life is coping with problematic people and working out how I should handle such people. I have had many fallouts with people down the years they are nearly always soul destroying for a long time. I then realised that the reason for this was that I put myself under unnecessary pressure to please everybody and it often leads to a lot of stress, anger and even anxiety attacks. I have been working with affirmations in my meditation practice and I decide that the one that works best for me is “May I do my best in everything that I do”. I love this affirmation because it reminds us not to put ourselves under too much pressure to achieve anything. I have tried others as well but I think this one works best for me. I have also promised myself not to listen to overly negative comments about me as they are often misconceptions of who I am as a person. I have also thought about whom I really am as a person and what I value as a person. I would say the qualities I would use to describe myself are “honest” “direct” “kind” “gentlemanly” “sporting” “thoughtful” “self-challenging” and “respectful”. These days I realise the importance of having a sense of self and knowing deeply who you are as a person.

May you do your best in everything that you do in 2016. This is a year I will look forward to as it is the year that will mark my 30^th birthday.

Thank you all.

Richard Davis

Completed on Sunday 6^th December 2015

My Review of 2016

MY REVIEW OF 2016

Dedicated to Mariam Aisha Abdallah

7 September 1971 -  27 April 2016

This year has been a year has been a great year. It’s been a year that has changed my life for the better. This year has been a year of spiritual awakening and I have had many great realisations about life that has made me a happier person. On the 2^nd of January, I was feeling lonely after feeling distressed during Christmas 2015 so I decided to type up “Loneliness” on the YouTube search engine. Suddenly, I found a video with a thumbnail graphic saying “How to deal with loneliness”. Little would I know that it was a video that would change my life! (or at least my perception of it.) It was a video by a spiritual teacher and author named Noah Elkrief. His videos showed how suffering in our lives is created our thoughts about our circumstances and not the circumstances themselves. Once I realised that it was my thoughts of loneliness was making me lonely and not being alone in itself causing the loneliness then my feelings of loneliness went away and I felt a lot better. I watched all of Noah’s YouTube videos and eventually bought his book. “A guide to the present moment”.

Later on, I started to have some wonderful realisations about life which left me in a blissful mental state. First, I realised that anger is caused by desire and therefore it is the desperate wanting of things that create anger and other forms of suffering. Another realisation that I had that made me feel better about life was that other people’s opinions of you are not a real reflection of who you are as a person but rather a reflection of them as a person. In other words, opinions are just opinions will not necessarily be a truthful statement of you.

Throughout the year, I bought a lot of books about Zen practice. Many of them were authored by the famous Zen monk Thich Nhat Hanh. However, one of them was a beginner’s book. There was a section in this book that mentioned all the destructive thought processes that leads to the killing of animals, humans, plants and planet earth in general. Then I remembered back in January when attending my local Buddhist centre while attending a meditation class that they were running a campaign called “veganuary” which attempted to promote a vegan or vegetarian lifestyle. At the time, there was a poster in the small lobby area saying that the production of meat causes about 50% of the world’s air pollution. More than what comes from car fumes. All this provoked me into trying for a vegetarian diet in order to show loving kindness to animals. At first I was uncertain about maintaining a vegetarian diet but I am now glad to say that I have comfortably sustained the vegetarian lifestyle. I have also leaned towards non-dairy milks, especially oat and almond milk.

My spiritual path has also helped me with my on-going chess pursuits. I no longer feel the pressure of winning as much as I used to. I now try not to think about winning but rather to just focus on playing the best chess that I can. Last year, I left South Norwood Chess Club after my struggles to cope with the behaviour of a certain individual who was often very critical and often spoke without sensitivity. My improved understanding and wisdom of other people provoke me to return to South Norwood Chess Club knowing that I am able to deal with my other people’s behaviour better than I was previously. Although it was an honour to represent the inter-club teams for CCF for a season, it was great to go back to a place I like to call my second home.

My year on the chessboard overall was a rather average one, although there were some positive highlights to look back on. I scored a ground-breaking victory with the black pieces with the Black pieces against a 178 ECF player after a long struggle to get to the venue when trying to make my own way there. It was my best over-the-board Standard-Play result ever. I also made it to the final of the ECF All-England Under 140 Championship with my Surrey county team which was held in Warwickshire. However, for most of the year, I had been fighting flu, asthma and hay fever symptoms that have made life difficult for me. I struggled with hay-fever and asthma over the summer and once again found myself in hospital with a chest infection in July. It was my 5^th admission to hospital in 4 years.

I look forward to the continuation of my spiritual path in 2017. The events of the last 12 months have certainly given my life more meaning and purpose. The things that I have learnt in 2016 have ultimately made me a healthier, calmer and above all things a happier person.

I wish you all a pleasant and peaceful 2017.

Best wishes. Namaste.

Richard Davis

THE END

Completed on Monday 18^th January 2017.