The black sheep.

 Baa, baa, black sheep. Have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full. One for the master, And one for the dame, And one for the little boy. Who lives down the lane.

This famous children's nursery rhyme really reflects how I feel about life right now. Always having to give others wool. While I am not exactly a sheep myself, I do feel that the 'wool' that I have to give is gratification to others. In other words, I am always the one that has to please others. Others will always demand more 'wool' from you, even when it has just been shaven of.

Have you ever felt that you were a black sheep? Have you ever felt that you never belonged, no matter where you go? Do you always feel that you are the odd one out, the square peg in a round hole, or even an outcast, in your own family or even worse, in society?

Well, this is exactly how I have felt for most of my life. There has been many events in my life, both recent and historic, that have proven to me that no matter where I go in life, I am always going to be the odd one out, the one who sticks out without even trying. 

Throughout my life, whether with my family, whether in school or college, whether in certain social situations, or in the general public at large, I have always had to cope with the fact that I am looked at a little bit differently, and I do things in life that most other people don't. My interests over the years have been rather obscure, which means that I am normally the only person in most social circles that has any kind of understanding of the subject. Over the years, these subjects include chess, shogi, Buddhism, yoga, meditation, pen pal writing, language learning, and mathematics. In many cases, only a limited group of people have any interest, understanding or even knowledge of the given subject, which has made me feel isolated and lonely, meaning that is hard for me to make friends, or even have any connection with anyone.

In my family, I am the only boy 5 children, which already puts me in a difficult situation socially, as I am inevitably going to look at the world a little bit differently. What's more, I have been diagnosed with Autism since the age of 5 and eventually with Asperger Syndrome at the age of 10.The means even neurologically, I am different.

I struggled to make and maintain friends at school, because of my social awkwardness and constant misunderstanding of how socialising works. Although my social and communication skills have improved over the years, I find myself in fallouts and disagreements with other people, especially within my own family. 

Dating has been a big mystery in my life, because I wasn't told any specific dating advice from anyone, until my late 30s, by which time, I have already passed the average age of marriage. Instead, I have been previously given complacent statements by everyone that I met like 'one day I will have a girlfriend' or 'everyone was meant to have one'. Alas, I'm still waiting.

However, in the last 4 years, I have been going through my worst health spell of my lifetime, and to be honest, I am beyond the point of caring of what other people think of me as I am happy to be alive, and still be able to live an independent life. Even if my family never accepts the way I am, I know that I have done my best in my given life situation. I know that I have grown, evolved and developed as person over the years, and there are only so many types of people that I can successfully work with. If no one in my family can fit in with who I am, then that's just one of those things. I know that I have done well in certain areas of life, and I will keep on aspiring to be a better person for myself and other people.

We all need moment in our lives, when we need to focus on ourselves, and show compassion to ourselves when we are aware that we may not be a fit for other people because of the way we look, or sound, or dress, or even how we generally function as a human being. Compassion for oneself is the way to eventually show compassion to other people; only then can we give gratification to others. In other word, this is how we grow our 'wool', and let it grow, until it's 3 bags full, one for the master, one for the day, one for the little boy who lives down the lane.