MY NEW BED

My old bed

 My new bed

Out with the old, in with the new! On the 5th of July, I received a new base for my bed after 13 years of sleeping on my old one. 

Thanks Mum! 😊❤️

Thank you Mum.

THANK YOU MUM 

Since November 2020 I have been going through personal health problems which have affected my breathing and therefore has limited what I have been able to do during this time but one person who has been of great service to me in this difficult period, especially during the pandemic is my mother. 

She has provided me with so many useful things during this time of which without, my life would have been more difficult.

Thank you Mum and I will forever grateful for all of the good things that you have done for me throughout my life.

 INDEPENDENT! ... not single.

One of the most burning questions in my life is How to be happy single. Conventional wisdom over the generations have always said that the key to a happy life is to get married and start a family. Societies throughout the generations have followed this philosophy almost without question. That is... until now. So we now have to ask ourselves the question are married people really happier? I have read articles on the internet giving conflicting conclusions about whether or not happiness really has anything to do with someone's marital status.

Ultimately, I have decided that it really depends on your outlook of life and what your life goals are. There are some who want to be married and start a family while others just want a successful career out of their biggest passion in life. It can also depend somewhat on your character. Some work better in groups while others prefer to work alone. Some gain energy with other people around them while others lose it. Some are happy having lots of friends in life while others prefer just to have that one really good companion.

One thing about life on this day in 2016 is that it is not the relationship itself that makes you happy, but rather the thoughts behind of the relationship. That is the thought (and not necessarily the reality) that there is somebody out there that can make you happy for the rest of your life. However, for most of us, this will prove to be only a pipe dream and with marriage rates going down and divorce rates going up virtually across the board, maybe we need to re-think what it actually means to be happy in life. 

Can we be happy on our own? Of course we can. There are many ways of making ourselves happy in our own solitude from doing our favourite hobbies, to eating our favourite food to having a walk in the park to listening to our favourite music. Ultimately, we can create our own happiness be being free of the thoughts that make us unhappy. Basically, happiness is simply the lack of unhappiness.

Perhaps the most prominent reason that people feel the need to find a romantic partner (or even just a friend in some cases) is loneliness. Loneliness is a topic that I have covered in detail in the past on this blog site. However, it has to be said that I think loneliness to this day is still a relatively misunderstood thing. Many people believe that loneliness is simply being on their onw when in fact, loneliness is the feeling that we have when we are on our own. It is the shame and guilt that we feel when we our on our own because we often put ourselves under pressure to to have friends and be friends with other people. Loneliness is also the feeling of dependency of other people making them happy in some way; and that takes me nicely to the crux of this post.

When we think of ourselves as 'single' in the context of intimate relationships, we often think of our lives in terms of  lack; who or even what we are lacking in our lives. There is always an aura of negativity when we have to refere to us as single, which is basically saying that we are lacking someone in our lives. This leaves a metaphoric hole in our hearts where we don't even feel like a complete person. Notice that when we say that we are looking for our other half, we are essentially calling ourselves a half! Do we really want to live the rest our our lives as 'a half'? What a terrible thought! Do we really want to be 'half' people living 'half' lives? This is the whole point of this post. We want to be whole!..not half.  Who on earth wants to be a half person living a half life. Life is meant to be lived to the full, not half. We want to a WHOLE...not a hole! (Yes, the English language does strange things like this. Two words that sounds the same but are spelt slightly differently with different meanings. It's amazing between feeling complete and incomplete can be just one letter. (or two))

So, how do we we become happy single? Well... the answer is kind of the title of this blog post.

STOP THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF AS SINGLE AND START THINKING OF YOURSELF AS ... ... INDEPENDENT!

Doesn't that feel better? Notice how the word independent makes you feel less ... well ... dependent. However, this is not to say that you will never depend on anyone or anything doing certain things to get a desired result (we all need help from other people sometimes) but it will make you feel a lot stronger emotionally and help you focus on the bigger picture in life that is the picture of your own happiness. Yes that's right! You own happiness that you gained ... on your own. As Thich Naht Hanh once said, "Happiness is available, please help yourselves." 

Ultimately, we create our own happiness. which doesn't require other people to give it to us. We can still look for our partners and friends but now we can do it with without the perception that we need them in order to make us happy. Once we realise that we can get our own happiness in life, We are free!

NOW GO OUT THERE AND ENJOY YOUR INDEPENDENCE!

 MY REVIEW OF 2021

HEALTH

As I write this document, I am  currently going through one of the worst health spells of my life. For a little over a year now, I have experienced some of he worst asthma of my life. The symptoms were first present in mid- November 2020 after suffering flu symptoms. The asthma has become so debilitating that I have felt very restricted in my everyday activities. There are day where I can barely walk without sweating an feeling breathless. It has lead to me seeing my GP on numerous occasions about my strong and ongoing asthma symptoms. There is now speculations that it can be more than asthma going on in my lungs. Lung conditions including Bronchitis have been thought of to why I continuously have breathing problems throughout the day. We wont know until March 2022 earliest as that is when my spirometry test is due to happen. Until then, I just have to do my best to survive in these trying times.

FAMILY

Family life has been very difficult for me this year with various misunderstandings about certain things the I posted on my personal Facebook account over the reasons for me being unable to find a romantic partner. To this day, I still do not understand why my mother and family  are so upset about me posting my thoughts about why I cannot get a girlfriend.  I can only think that family pride is to blame for this perception.

On 13th of July, I published a blog about what I would like to see more of in my family, which I later posted a link of in my personal Facebook account. The blog was simply about how my family can better support me. This lead to not only a fallout with my mother but also a fallout with my younger sister. My sister thought that I cared about Facebook more than I did about my family but this was simply a misperception of the situation. I actually wrote that blog because I actually do care about my family and I wanted to help them help me in a better way. My sister never understood this and eventually pushed my away saying: "If you don care, than I don't care 

Thankfully, after a handful of conversations, my mother and I have come to an agreement on certain thing like how to get a date and the things that my mother can an cannot do for me.

Throughout my whole life, I have always struggled to have the confidence to talk to my family directly as I have found myself in too many painful fallouts which have preciously lead to a shutdowns in communication and even fights.

Thanks to the help and support that I have received from over-the-phone counselling, I have gained a lot more confidence in verbal communication than I have had previously. That leads me nicely to my next topic.

COUNCELLING

Between early October and mid November, I was given 6 weekly counselling sessions from the counselling organisation Care to Listen. My counsellor was a woman who explained her perspectives of my situation with my family and ill feelings of not being able to find a romantic partner. One concept that she brought consistently was communication. The things that she said about communication was (at least in my eye) ground-breaking. For most of my life, I have always been very structured in my communicating, whether it was face-to-face, over the phone, in writing of even on social media.

The things that my counsellor taught me about communication were as follows:

1). Communication is a trial and error process. 

There isn't always a right of wrong way to communicate to a person. Sometimes you just have to try different things to get the desired result. Different people send and receive different types of communication differently and you simply have to adapt to the person you are talking to depending on his/her way of interprating language.

2). It's OK to ask a woman out. 

This may sound rather obvious to a lot of my readers but before my counselling sessions, I did not believe that is was a good idea to directly ask a woman out. I thought that it would sound cringeworthy to women if a man was so open about his intimate feelings to a woman. I thought that women would simply freak out if I said anything like "Can I have your number please" to them. However, I have been assured that this way of communicating your desire of someone is completely normal and that it is possible for me to say something like this to a woman that I have deep feelings for.

3). You can only control 50% of any relationship.

No matter how good your intentions are, there are always going to be relationships out there that simply will not work. AT the end of the day, you can only do your half of the relationship. If the other half of the relationship is not going to co-oprerate with you, there nothing you can really do about it. Don't take it personally. You just have forget about the person, wish him/her good luck and move on.

4). It's OK to talk to strangers.

When I was growing up, I was told not to talk to strangers. However, one thing that my counsellor told me is that many relationships start with people that are at first unknown to you. One thing that I need to learn is to talk to strangers. Perhaps I can start by saying hello to someone who works a corner shop or a supermarket. I think this will be a good starting point.

5). Stay confident

One beautiful thing that my counsellor pointed out to me is that I am actually a better communicator that I think. I think my lack of confidence over the years is due to the theory that people on the autism spectrum typically struggle with verbal communication. Therefore, when I find myself in a fallout with someone, I often credit this theory and and start despairing at what I have lost. My counsellor however told me that with time. I will eventually find better people to talk to if I stay at it and keep going. There will always be someone good out there to talk to.

CHESS

In what is my first full calendar year without any over-the-board competition since joining South Norwood Chess Club, I think I have achieved various notable things on the playing site lichess.org.

First, I was a regular competitor in the Coulsdon Chess Fellowship (CCF) 10 minute-a-side rapid-play swiss tournaments on the site which was played on Mondays and Fridays until June. I won 3 of those tournaments within this calendar year a few others from the previous year. However, what was even more pleasing was the fact that I have won 2 of the ChessNetwork 10-minute-a-side Rapid-play tournaments that since the pandemic have happened every Saturday afternoon.  It has also been year in which I have reached new peak rapid and blitz ratings.

On the 5th of August this year, literally 365 days after I had announced my retirement for over-the-board chess, I decided to reverse my decision and plan to play over-the-board chess in the future. However, as of yet, I have not been able to resume over-the -board activity due to the health reasons I mentioned above.

LANGUAGE LEARNING

One interesting ambitions that I had a the start of the year is to start (or restart) learning languages other that Brazilian Portuguese which I have been learning for 2 and a half years. I actually made a weekly schedule at the start of the years about the languages that I would learn. Unfortunately, my problems with my lungs started to take its toll and and in the end, I simply didn't have he energy to learn languages every day. I have however been able to successfully find a good Portuguese teacher who currently lives in Brazil and has given me good lessons via Skype and Zoom for a reasonable fee. 

I feel confident enough in my Portuguese to have confidence speaking the language to native speakers. However. This is not to say that I don't make mistakes nor do I not have moments where I have to look for words to complete a sentence. It just means that I have learnt the language long and well enough to make my own sentences and and keep conversation going within the language. I do however still go through all of the challenges that many language learners go through with pronunciation, grammar, vocabulary and even listening to somebody talk a speed. (Mind you, I find it hard to understand a rambler even in English.) The keys to leaning any language is patience, persistence, regular study, practice and having fun.

FUTURE

One thing that I plan to do when my lung health improves is to enroll in a course to become a qualified online English teacher which will give me access to teach English to anyone around the world. With of my experience working with the Brazilian community and helping them with their English, I think I am ready to take that the extra mile and make an official career out off what I am currently doing. It's just a matter of fixing my lungs and getting and appointment with the job centre.

I also want to do a course on accounting as I am currently elected as a trainee treasurer for the West Thornton Community Association (WTCA) and therefore could do with some training in certain fields of the subject. I actually did do a course on accounting in my final year of college but that was 16 years ago and I am sure that things have changed in the accounting world significantly in that time. Also, I think my interest in accounting will be a lot greater than it is in 2005 as back then, I was still in the process of learning about the adult world as well as the fact that back then, I was still trying to work out certain things in my personal life. I look forward to one day taking over as the treasurer of the WTCA when certain things settle down and the current treasurer is ready to step down from his duties.

I have accumulated a good number of Spanish speaking friends on Facebook, so I think that Spanish will be a good language for me to learn next year as well as continuing my Portuguese studies.

Finally I hope to be well enough to play over-the board chess again after announcing that I have come out of retirement. Since the start of the pandemic I have only been playing in online tournaments.  I look forward to one day seeing my old friends one day (and making new ones)  at South Norwood and CCF and showing everyone what I can do in real life games and tournaments.

The End.

Compleated Saturday 18 December 2021

Returning to chess.

 

Returning to Chess

Hello everybody. 

On the 5th of August 2020, I officially announced my retirement from tournament chess. The reason was that I wanted to pursue a carrier as an  English as a second language (ESL) teacher. This thought was originally motivated by the fact that I had started to learn Brazilian Portuguese while I was working for a charity shop which at the time had 2 Brazilian managers. The head manager decided to make an advertisement in a magazine to encourage people to call me language exchange and English lessons. He believed that I would one day find love through this journey. As much as I looked forward to the challenge of helping people with their English (and practicing my Portuguese at the same time).  

However, this journey came with some major difficulties from the very beginning. Firstly, I had no prior experience in teaching anybody. Secondly, I had to travel to far-away places in London which would involve long and awkward train journeys which at one point saw me have to wake up a 5 o'clock in the morning for a 22 stop underground journey. I needed headphones and Spotify to on my android phone to help me cope with the crowds at the station and the rumbling noises of the underground train. Thirdly, I have had to do this virtually without anybody on my side to give me guidance or advice about how to do the job properly. Essentially this was a lone journey where I had to do everything by myself.

I went to different parts of London to see different members of London's Brazilian community and then... suddenly... the pandemic happened. Lockdown of the UK was announced in March 2020 as the world was gripped by the effects of the Coronavirus outbreak which meant that all but necessary travel was banned in order to keep the public safe. Therefore, virtual measures had to take place for me to take language exchange sessions and English classes. I downloaded Skype and Zoom on my laptop and had various sessions with different people. During the same period, I was looking for a personal Portuguese teacher. I saw an advertisement in the same magazine that my advertisement was in, saying 'Learn Brazilian Portuguese'. I emailed the teacher about my interest in working with her as a student of the language. We agreed to meet at a certain time of the week. 3 O'clock on Friday on Skype. So I arrived at my laptop at 3 O'clock of Friday as we agreed by email ... or so I thought. after many attempts to video call her by Skype, I decided to phone her. complaining in Portuguese about the one hour wait that I had. Then she angrily replied in English that I did not confirm the date and time of the class and even claimed to give me an email, asking for confirmation. (which I didn't see.) In the end, she said  that maybe she is not the right teacher for me and therefore, terminated or relationship. This would prove to be one of many fallouts that I would have throughout this journey.

I also seemed to have many miscommunications with other people who contacted my service. Some wanted English lessons, some wanted language exchange and I wasn't always sure what the person wanted. These moments really destroyed my confidence as I felt like I was desperately letting them down. There were many moments when I asked myself "What did I do wrong?". I got the awful feeling that luck was simply not on my side when it comes to working with other people. 

Then, come the start of 2021, my family got upset with me after I made a post , giving possible reasons why I have not been able to find a girlfriend on Facebook. I had demands from my family to delete the post, even though the post had absolutely nothing to do with them. To this day, I still scratch my head about what the fuss was about. I got into trouble with my family again in July 2021 when I wrote a blog about how my family can better support me. Once again, they were offended by the post and demanded for it to be deleted. It is obvious to me that my family does not want to know about my life desire, nor do they want to know about my ambitions.

One thing that I have known for a ling time is that people with Asperger Syndrome seem to have a much harder time making and maintaining relationships with other people. No doubt that I have experience this in so many ways in the last 2 years.

There has been a handful of moments in my life where I thought that I can get something out there that is somehow 'better' than chess. As you can see from the stories above, that has proven to be just a big illusion. No matter what happens to me in life, I will always love the game of chess and I will always have the game o chess in my life. It's simply what I do when the worst comes to the worst in life. Quite simply for me, Chess IS life. It's my past, my present and my future.

Hence, I will be making a return to over-the-board chess at some point. However, the return will not be an immediate one as I plan to start a ESL training and accounting courses before returning to the real life 64 square battlefield full-time.

Moral of the story is this. Never leave your biggest passion in life. You never know when you might need it.

Thank you for reading.

The importance of family support.

 The importance of family support.

The last 2 years of my life have been quite drama and at times traumatic. This has been mainly because of the false anticipation of of having a romantic partner in my life which in the end, didn't look close to happening. 

One of the most ongoing feelings in my life is loneliness. This is because I have had a lot of negativity from other people. I think that I am often a misunderstood person because I have certain interests that are not particularly popular and do things that not everybody understands. 

Throughout my life, I have struggled to gain and maintain relationships both personal and professional. At the age of 35, I don't think it is even worth it anymore to look for 'the one' as I have struggled so  much to gain and maintain relationships. Instead, I ask for all of my family to be as supportive as they possibly can towards me. That means that whatever dream that I have in life that they support it without question.

Here is what I want from my family:

Empathy and forgiveness

I want my family to be supportive and understanding when the worst comes to the worst. They have to understand that I will make mistakes along the way and will misunderstand certain things.

Counselling

I want my family to feel like a safe group to talk about the deep and difficult personal issues in my life so that they don't linger in my head.

Backing

I want my family to support and respect whatever life direction that I intend to make. They have to understand that it is MY  life.

Appreciation

I want my family to understand that I make a lot of efforts for them because I want them to be proud of me. I may not be the son or brother that they dreamed of but I always do my best for the sake of may family.

I hope my family can understand all of this.

My road to chess glory Part 6: Overcoming Hurdles.

The summer of 2013 would prove to be a time of emotional uncertainty as I really didn't now what to do with my life without the game of chess. In the end, I decided to go on a ten week adult education course learning i byntermediate French which I received a certificate for at the beginning of 2014.


Although I at the time announced that I would no longer be a member of South Norwood Chess Club, I realised that the was one big problem with that decision; the fact that I would not be able to get my hands on the Ellary Williams Memorial and Stoneleigh trophies. Therefore, in order for me to receive the two trophies that worked so hard to earn in the first place, I would have to reverse my decision and return to the club. I eventually received the Stoneleigh trophy on Wednesday 30th October 2013 before the start of an away match at Wallington and the Ellary Williams Memorial trophy the following day on Thursday 31st October 2013 at South Norwood Chess Club. 

I started 2014 with one of the biggest scalps of my career, beating Koby Kalavannan in a major scalp in the first knockout phase of the CCF World Cup. At the time, his ECF grade was 159 while mine was only 121. At the time of writing, (February 2021) his grade has now increased to 226. I started with a very quiet opening in order for me to recover from the heavy rain that I had to travel in that night. He responded dynamically but left some holes in his defence and made a bad exchange that really allowed my position to gain power towards his own king. In the end, he simply suffered due to the growing positional pressure of my well placed pieces. Although the game lasted long into the night, I was confident after a while that I was going to win this as my positional pressure started to materialize. I can't even put it into words how joyful I was when the game finally ended. It really showed me the value of learning positional understanding in chess and how it can beat even significantly stronger opponent.

 During that summer, I would participate in the Felce Cup for  the first time since my disastrous debut campaign in 2010. I would have to travel to the Trinity Road Club in Wimbledon as there were not enough participants from south Norwood Club to form a South Norwood Section. I was always fond of the venue as it was an elegant little room that was upstairs from a pub that had a pool table, a dartboard and a TV screen.  My campaign got off to a slow start with 2 draws with black but with my first game with white became the moment that I had waited 4 years for. My first ever win in the Felce Cup after I had out-played my opponent in a rook and bishop endgame. I was soo happy and releived to finally end the curse of never winning a Felce cup game before. It meant that I was able to simply enjoy the rest of the tournament. However, this was as good as my tournament got as I could only mange one draw with my last 3 games, losing the last game tragically haven't earned a winning position. This ment that I had finished the tournament with an equal record of 1 win, 1 loss and 4 draws. Still, I was nice to end the wait for a Felce Cup which also meant that I can go into the new season in good spirits.