The black sheep doing good. (My review of 2025)

 The black sheep doing good.

My review of 2025

If there is anything that I have learnt about myself between December 2024 and now, it's the  fact that I am the black sheep of my family. In August 2024, my mother told me 6 total consecutive lies on WhatsApp that I have already made a blog about. I also unfortunately have a sister who unbeknownst to me decided to end all communications to me because she claims that all I ever do is shout at people, even thought I only ever shout in very specific situations. 2024 was a year where I was practically demonized for  emotions that were natural to me at the time, but for some reason, my family wants to make my feelings look an sound like it was some kind of deliberate circus act.

It's sad how family members can just cross you out just because of some unfortunate conflicts. However, I received hope. In January 2025, I received call in response to my request for counselling that I made to a clinician during a video call medical appointment. I was invited to receive 6 weekly counselling sessions from the start of February to mid-March of that year, where I discussed in detail all of the difficulties that I had at the time. During that time I realized that I had to accept how dysfunctional my family can be and that I had to forgive them for their dysfunctions. 

After some of the counselling sessions, I decided to visit my local gym for a brief workout. I realized for the first time in my life that a brief workout can actually be good therapy. Training your body certainly does something to temporarily get you mind of some of the negative stuff happening in your life. 

After the 6 week counselling  period ended I would look for some kind of community  where the people also felt like the black sheep of their family. Luckily for me, in August 2025,  I found 2 Facebook groups about being the black sheep of the family, where I would be able to learn about the troubling and sometimes grievous problems that other people would have with their families. This moment gave me the confirmation that I was not alone in the experience of being singled out of their own families.

However, in September 2025, I finally received what I had waited 13 months for. After mentioning all of the lies that she told me in August 2024, she understood everything and gave me an apology for the falsehood that she gave to me in those 2 audio clips on WhatsApp. 

After this moment, I announced it on my richarddavislifeblog Instagram page and all was well again between the two of us.

The last 17 months have been emotionally tough on me as I felt that my dignity was severely attacked by my own mother, making me feel both out of place in my own family and society at large. However, on New Year's day 2026, I visited my parents' house for the first time since April 2024 for a pleasant family dinner to celebrate the new year which ended with a nice private conversation about travelling abroad in the hopefully not too distant future.

Hopefully, in 2026, I gain for of a belonging to my family and to society as well as I hope to not feel like such a black sheep to the family again.

Why I am disassociating with society.

 

Why I am disassociating with society.

Before anyone leaves a comment, please understand that I want solutions to this problem. I don’t want to see any defensive comments blindly defending parents or families out of sheer emotion.  I you are not open to conversations about the dark side family life then I suggest that you do not comment on this post. If this post changes the way you perceive me as a person in a negative way, then feel free to unfriend me and unfollow me. I can always find someone else to talk to.

I have now made the decision to disassociate with society after what I have been through emotionally over the last 9 months. No one in my family are willing to have open conversation with me. Last August, my mother told 6 lies about me on 2 WhatsApp audio messages and I responded with multiple messages and even a blogpost (read here: Richard Davis Life Blog: 6 Lies my mother told me.) refuting all 6 lies, and instead of acknowledging these lies and apologizing for them, she and the rest of the family get defensive and accuses me of ‘badmouthing’ when I haven’t said anything different from what I have said originally in the WhatsApp messages.

 If parents cannot take accountability for their mistakes and wrongdoings towards their own children, then the state of our society really must be put under serious question. It’s crazy how much protection parents get for the same behaviour that children will get punished for. All the time, parents always tell their children not to lie, and yet, this is exactly what they do to their children. It’s disgusting, it’s unfair and it’s a betrayal of trust. If I cannot even trust my own mother to tell the truth, then who can I trust?

After nearly 40 years of life, I have decided that I have done my very best to fit into the society that I live in. However, If the end result of trying to socialise and fit into society is lies and exaggerations about who I am as a person, then I would rather be on my own. I no longer believe that there is a genuine reward for being around other people apart from maybe gratification and escapism.

 It is clear to me now that the unconditional love that we expect to get from our parents is practically dead. Parents always expect you to look a certain way, act a certain way and even be a certain way. They don’t even consider the fact that they maybe profound reasons for you being or becoming a certain way. Parents always demand perfection unless they are told explicitly that there is a profound reason for you being a certain way, for example, Back in April 2024, I was banned from my parents’ house the other day for having a beard, even though they know that I was going through and asthma crisis which at times made it difficult to shave, due to the risk of cutting myself. I eventually made the sacrifice of trying to shave my beard, which thankfully I did successfully, and I eventually attended her family event, but why do I even have to do this. I am still her son with or without the beard. She would love me the same way if she had unconditional love, which she clearly does not.

I also have a sister who thinks that all I ever do is shout, even though I only ever shout in very specific circumstances. It’s not like I shout every single day of anything, but this is exactly what my family wants you to believe. They what to make me look and sound like some kind of evil monster, when all I really have is an angry reaction to certain situations. This is the kind of manipulation that my family wants to give to the public, that I am somebody who shouts and shouts and shouts and just wants to tear down people emotionally. The truth is that everybody in my family shouts, but my family just wants to demonise me and single me out for the exact same actions that they have done to me and others previously.

 This is the toxic situation that I am in with my family, and I cannot see it changing any time soon. If I cannot trust my family to represent me in an honesty way, who can I really trust? I have communicated at length about this on Facebook, Instagram and my own blog page and the only responses that I get from people are the defensive ones like ‘Remember, mummy always loves you etc… etc … etc …’  The problem is that most people don’t even know what real love is. That’s because most people don’t actually study love. One of the most important elements of love is trust. If I cannot trust my family to talk about me in an honest manner, than how can I really trust anyone? This is the sad reality that I live in with my family, and therefore, I have no confidence in talking to them about emotional issues.

There are some people out there who will think that I am just a loner. Well, maybe it is all for the best. I think it is better to be on your own than with the wrong people and if that includes your own family, so be it. I don’t want to be misrepresented anymore. I know deep down in my heart that I am a good and honest person who tries his heart out in anything that I dedicate my time to. However, nobody is perfect and I know that I come with my own shortcomings and difficulties. That doesn't mean that people should exaggerate and make me look worse that what I really am. That is simply not fair.

I hope that this message encourages and apology from my family for misrepresenting me and making me look worse that I really am, because I know that I am not as bad as they  make me look and I think I deserve a lot better.

 

 

Thank you for your understanding.

Richard Davis.

6 Lies my mother told me.

 6 Lies my mother told me on 3 August 2024.

TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️:  EMOTIONAL TRAUMA.

1. No one else in our family shouts:

This is probably the easiest lie to refute. 

Every single member of my immediate family has shouted in the past. It is almost incomprehensible in practice to believe that a family can live together for decades without at least once shouting at each other. 

 2. I haven’t seen My older sister''s baby:

I've actually seen her TWICE. Once, during a  video call on a calling platform and once when she was sleeping on my sofa bed.

  3. I don't give her any thanks:

How disingenuous!

I regularly thank her when I receive items from her and even made a blog post, saying thanked her for everything that she had done for me during the pandemic.  

https://richarddavislife.blogspot.com/2022/04/thank-you-mum.html?m=1

  4. The Police told me to move out:

The police never demanded me to move home. SHE called the council and got a social worker to help me move home. The police had nothing to do with it.

5. You have never disowned me:

She disowned me in August 2018 for my Buddhist journey and for wanting to work in a Buddhist community, and even begged me to be a Muslim or a Christian. On the 13th of December 2024, my mother gave me a text saying 'stay lonely' during a rant by text over my showing of the 6 lies a calling platform. This is clearly a rejection from the family. 

 6. She don't abuse me:

This is almost as easy to refute as lie no.1.

She has both physically and verbally abused me as a child, beating me up with belts, slippers, planks of wood and even tied me up with blue string during my infancy. She has also called me 'mad' 'mental' 'abnormal' and a 'freak' during my childhood.

THAT IS CHILD ABUSE!

If you think that a mother still deserves love despite having told so many lies in one day, then I don't believe in justice. When are mothers going to have accountability for theirs words and actions towards theirs grown up children? If it was the other way round, we would have been disowned. However, it seems that mothers can now get to say and do whatever they want to their children without any consequence or repercussions. 

I can tell that my mother is lying as my mother is not able to justify these claims with any kind of significant detail. 

I cannot continue to keep loving a liar. I am absolutely heartbroken by my mother's constant slander. I cannot tolerate this anymore. 

 What 4 years of bad asthma taught me about life.

1). Health is all that matters

When you are in an ongoing health struggle like I have been, nothing matters more. Everything else feels irrelevant. All of your material ambitions are, at least momentarily, put on the side. You start to learn what it means to have a completely functional body. After all, if your body disfunctions, so does you life in general. 

2). Self embrace

One interesting thing that I had learned about illness is that you become more... well... you! You become more authentic. You don't try to hide who you are to anybody because... what's the point? You may not even be alive tomorrow, so you might as well be yourself and let yourself go with the flow. What ever will be will be. What ever works for you works, and whatever doesn't, doesn't.

3).Small things, big difference.

When you are not able to go out as often as you would like, you start to appreciate the smaller things in life, like having a cosy bed to sleep in, or eating your favourite foods, listening to your favourite music, reading your favourite books, learning a new language, or in my case, enjoying online chess. You stop worrying about the bigger things in life, because you know you cannot attain them.  You appreciate every day for what it is, whether good, bad, or indifferent.

4) Compassion

When you are suffering, you become more compassionate for others who are suffering. When you are in hospital you can see the how many people are suffering every day. Doctors and nurses from around the world dedicate their entire lives to help people recover from serious illnesses and even save lives. They do this regardless of who you are, where you are from, what you look like or sound like, or what your beliefs are. They have no biases to who they look after. All they care about is that you are feeling better than the day before, thanks to their uncompromising care and attention. I think that compassion is something that is very important in this world. Compassion is a life changing gift that can make the world so much better for so many people. 

The black sheep.

 Baa, baa, black sheep. Have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full. One for the master, And one for the dame, And one for the little boy. Who lives down the lane.

This famous children's nursery rhyme really reflects how I feel about life right now. Always having to give others wool. While I am not exactly a sheep myself, I do feel that the 'wool' that I have to give is gratification to others. In other words, I am always the one that has to please others. Others will always demand more 'wool' from you, even when it has just been shaven of.

Have you ever felt that you were a black sheep? Have you ever felt that you never belonged, no matter where you go? Do you always feel that you are the odd one out, the square peg in a round hole, or even an outcast, in your own family or even worse, in society?

Well, this is exactly how I have felt for most of my life. There has been many events in my life, both recent and historic, that have proven to me that no matter where I go in life, I am always going to be the odd one out, the one who sticks out without even trying. 

Throughout my life, whether with my family, whether in school or college, whether in certain social situations, or in the general public at large, I have always had to cope with the fact that I am looked at a little bit differently, and I do things in life that most other people don't. My interests over the years have been rather obscure, which means that I am normally the only person in most social circles that has any kind of understanding of the subject. Over the years, these subjects include chess, shogi, Buddhism, yoga, meditation, pen pal writing, language learning, and mathematics. In many cases, only a limited group of people have any interest, understanding or even knowledge of the given subject, which has made me feel isolated and lonely, meaning that is hard for me to make friends, or even have any connection with anyone.

In my family, I am the only boy 5 children, which already puts me in a difficult situation socially, as I am inevitably going to look at the world a little bit differently. What's more, I have been diagnosed with Autism since the age of 5 and eventually with Asperger Syndrome at the age of 10.The means even neurologically, I am different.

I struggled to make and maintain friends at school, because of my social awkwardness and constant misunderstanding of how socialising works. Although my social and communication skills have improved over the years, I find myself in fallouts and disagreements with other people, especially within my own family. 

Dating has been a big mystery in my life, because I wasn't told any specific dating advice from anyone, until my late 30s, by which time, I have already passed the average age of marriage. Instead, I have been previously given complacent statements by everyone that I met like 'one day I will have a girlfriend' or 'everyone was meant to have one'. Alas, I'm still waiting.

However, in the last 4 years, I have been going through my worst health spell of my lifetime, and to be honest, I am beyond the point of caring of what other people think of me as I am happy to be alive, and still be able to live an independent life. Even if my family never accepts the way I am, I know that I have done my best in my given life situation. I know that I have grown, evolved and developed as person over the years, and there are only so many types of people that I can successfully work with. If no one in my family can fit in with who I am, then that's just one of those things. I know that I have done well in certain areas of life, and I will keep on aspiring to be a better person for myself and other people.

We all need moment in our lives, when we need to focus on ourselves, and show compassion to ourselves when we are aware that we may not be a fit for other people because of the way we look, or sound, or dress, or even how we generally function as a human being. Compassion for oneself is the way to eventually show compassion to other people; only then can we give gratification to others. In other word, this is how we grow our 'wool', and let it grow, until it's 3 bags full, one for the master, one for the day, one for the little boy who lives down the lane.

Approved by Hilokal.

 

Hello Everyone.

This is a quick blog to announce that I have been approved by Hilokal to be an English teacher/trainer.

Hilokal is an app that has been made specially for language exchange, where people can practice their language skills with the real voices of native speakers. There are also many welcoming communities on the app for people with special interests.

I hope all of you can join me their soon.

Hilokal lobby for all of the tables to talk in.

Sample table of conversation 

Hilokal - Language exchange for free speaking practice

My new years resolutions for 2024

My new years resolutions for 2024

1. Eat less sugar. 

I for many years have done my best reduce my sugar intake. However, I until recently was not aware that carbohydrates like bread, pasta and rice contain a lot of sugar without even tasting sweet. 

I will do my best to avoid sugar and carbohydrates as much as possible. 

2. Exercise more. 

One thing that has been great about 2023 is the ability to frequently attend a gym, where I can do various exercises. There has been some exercises that I have really enjoyed doing including bench press, bicep curls and rowing. 

Due to my asthma crisis, opportunities to walk to different places have been pretty slim. Thankfully, I can fell my asthma improving going into the new year, and I hope by the start of spring that I be able to explore different places. 

3. Have more conversations in more languages.

For many years now, I have had a passion for learning certain languages. However, I am aware that I don't always give each language the same level of focus on each language.

I want to become conversational in more languages so that I can have more great conversations in my language exchange app.

4.Teach English. 

Since the Autumn of 2019, I have taught English to many foreign language students in face-to-face and online classes. 

One thing that I want to do this year is to teach English as often as possible. There are a couple of online jobs that I am interested in applying for and I hope to get them this year. 

I want to teach people from around the world and learn about different people from different cultures to enhance my work experience. 

Good luck with your resolutions. 

Happy New Year everyone!

My Dumbell Routine for asthma

I normally do 4x10 , 3x15 or 3x20 reps of the exercises below depending on difficuly and how strong I'm feeling at the time of the workout.  On the first 3, I focus on inhalation and second 3, I focus on exhalation

 Inhalation 

Bicep curls

Front raises

Side raises

Exhalation 

Squats

Oblique side bends

Lunges

After, I Normally like to do about 20 minutes of cardio to test how well my lungs are working.

Martin Cath 1938-2023

 

MARTIN CATH 1938-2023

Our beloved president of South Norwood Chess Club, Martin Cath, passed away at the age of 85 on 23 July 2023 peacefully in his home. 

Martin Cath was a long running president and member of the club who was amongst other things, a chairman, a treasurer, an inter-club tournament controller, a grader

I will always remember Martin as a consummate professional in everything he did both for the chess club and the West Thornton Community Association committee.  

He always spoke well of people and made sure that everybody around him felt welcome. 

He was an inter-club tournament controller for 36 years and a grader for 16 years. More than anything, he was a man with an impeccable love for the game of chess with a career spanning over 50 years.

My condolences to all of his friends and family.

Brazilian Portuguese: 4 years on.

It's been a little over 4 years since learning Brazilian Portuguese for the first time. A journey  It started out as nothing more than a curiosity after working for Brazilian managers in a charity shop in June 2019. It was the very first time that I had ever heard the language spoken in my life  and I was fascinated by it. I started learning the language on my app and I found myself enjoying the words and sounds of this beautiful language. When I announced that was learning Portuguese to my managers, they were both delighted that I was learning their language. For some reason, the head manager thought that I was learning the language because I wanted a Brazilian girlfriend. However, I was simply curious about the language and wanted to learn more about it. The head manager thought it would be a good idea for me to start teaching English to Brazilians in the local area. He made a small paper advertisement outside of the shop window for language exchange and suggested that I advertise in a magazine that was aimed at Brazilians living in England.

Afterwards, I received many requests for lessons, with the very first one being from a woman who attended the shop on one of my working days. We had a few language exchange sessions with each other. First in the local library, and then after in a coffee shop. I eventually had my first request from the magazine with my advertisement in it which led to a journey to London Victoria train station ,where I met a man who was originally from Rio de Janeiro. We discussed certain things between the two languages and topics that were found in the magazine which I had a copy of.

Since then, I have travelled to various places in London teaching English to Brazilians, thanks to the advertisement and my discovery of WhatsApp. 

I also want to thank my online Portuguese teacher living in Brazil for being a kind and informative teacher who normally explains things in good detail. and shows great patience in my learning of various concepts within the language.

Thanks to this journey, I can now look forward to a career as an online English teacher where I will be able to teach people around the world.

 My earphone miracle. 

One of the biggest difficulties of my life s been dealing with loud noises that you hear in.the street. Whether it's that police siren, whether it's that baby crying on the bus, or whether it's that dodgy car engine, loud noises has been literally on of the most debilitating thing s in my life... until now.

For my 36th birthday in 2022, I was given the very thing that may well prove to be the cure to my audio-sensitivities; noise cancelling earphones.

Noise cancelling earphones removes the excess noise of everything you hear, therefore, you can enjoy walking down the city without being incensed by Auditory Sensory Overload which has denied my enjoyment of various places and social events. Any body that knows anything about the autistic experience knows how debilitating Sensory Overload can be. Thankfully, years of sensory pain is finally over thanks to this wonderful piece of technology. This gift has been nothing short of life-changing as I have been simply unable to do enjoy certain events due to extreme noise and loud music.

I want to thank my mother and my sister who collectively purchased and  programmed the earphones so that I can enjoy them in conjunction with my Android phone. 

 

What's wrong with my lungs?

Normal lung vs Asthmatic lung

Hello everybody.

As some of you may already know. I have been constantly battling ongoing uncontrolled asthma symptoms since November 2020 when I suffered heavy influenza which lead to a chest infection. Although I didn't need to go to the hospital, the effects of the influenza that I had at the time still partly remains present in my body and especially my lungs.

 As I write this blog, I am still suffering form a tight chest, nasal congestion and a lot of fatigue.                 There are many places that I used to go to that I simply do no go now because of  my limited breathing.  My physical and mental co-ordination has been reduced. My day-to-day energy has dropped to an all time low. Although I am still able to live independently, what I can do on a daily basis has been reduced. 

The symptoms that I have suffered in the last two and a half years have been tight chest, coughing, sneezing, wheezing, shortness of breath, sweating and fatigue. So what has been going on with me all this time? 

On Thursday 4th May 2023, I had an appointment at my local hospital to learn about the results of the lung function test that I did on Wednesday 22nd March 2023. Did they find anything? Sort of. What they found was that there is a 'fixed swelling' in my airways which is limiting what comes in and out of the lungs. Therefore, I now know where in the lungs that I am having the problem, the very top of them. I have made a return to the gym recently and I realised when doing one of my workouts how sensitive the top of my chest, just below my neck was starting to become. Therefore, I can confirm that these findings are true. 

My medication has seen many changes within the last year, however, so far, none of them have significantly improved my condition. However, I am expecting to receive a new inhaler that is especially designed to open my airways so that more air can get in my lungs. I have guarded hope that this inhaler will be the begining of the end of this long and difficult time in my life and allow me to do more in life.

I have been told many remedies for cold and flu symptoms over the years. For me, only two have really had an immediate effect on my cold and flu symptoms; Vapor-rub and Olbus oil. I've realised that the only other thing that I can do when I am struck by cold or flu is to be patient with it. Unfortunately I seem to catch colds more than the average person and they also last longer. Many have lasted at least a month. Why is all this important? Quite simply, it's the biggest single cause of my asthma.

I cannot wait to go out to the places that I normally visited before this asthma crisis started and go out to eat, socialize and explore. However, at the moment, I cannot go to far outside my home without losing my breath.

Finally, I want to thank my family, especially for their support and understanding during this difficult time, the doctors and nurses who have been understanding and professional with me at all times and the language partners via social media that I have had who have kept me going not just in my language learning journey but also given me some people to talk too during this difficult time. I am hoping that it is not too long before I can be well enough to go outside and enjoy the places that I used to go (and many more too!) 

Richard Davis

 MY PLANS FOR 2023

1). Start an EFL course

Ever since I started teaching English to Brazilians living in England, thanks to my bosses' initiative to make an advert in a magazine, I have been thinking about how I can get an EFL teaching qualification. In late 2020, I found an online course which, if all is successful, will give me a qualification to teach online and even abroad. 

However, due to the pandemic and an influenza infection that has lead to over 2 years of uncontrolled asthma and restricted lung capacity, I have had to delay the start of this my course until I have felt well and strong enough to start something new. 

Once I have passed the course, I can look forward to teaching people from around the world through my laptop. 

2). Return to over-the-board chess

Another thing that has been delayed because of my health issues is my return to over-the-board chess after announcing that I am coming out of retirement on 5 August 2021. My reason for leaving real-life tournament chess was the fact that I thought that I would start a new career as an EFL teacher for certain. However, there were times last year where I thought about quitting my EFL career due to the stress of working with other people in a foreign language of which I had some unsuccessful relationships with. Since that time though, I have received compliments form some of my students who thanked me for my efforts in helping them with their English ,which have inspired me to take on the profession.

3). Keep going to the gym

One of my biggest struggles of my life is finding a gym that is suitable for my auditory sensory needs and is easily locatable. During the spring and summer of 2022, I had put on a lot of weight due to inactivity because of my uncontrolled asthma and having too many sweet foods. The doctors advised me to got the gym in order to try to lose some other the excess weight as this will help ease some of the symptoms.

Thankfully, I was in luck! In October 2202, I found a new gym located around the corner from my food shop; but what was even better was that it was very affordable and the music inside the gym was of a reasonable volume that did not offend my sensory processing.

My new gym has been a real blessing for me and I intend to go there as frequently as possible.  

4). Get back into meditation and yoga.

One thing that I was doing regularly prior to my volunteer work in 2019 was meditation and yoga. I first discovered meditation in December 2009 when I discovered a book on Amazon called 'The quiet' by Paul Wilson which spoke about the benefits of meditation and gave some basic but really life transforming practices for the readers to try for themselves. 

Since then, I have visited Buddhist centres to have meditation classes where I can talk to other people about their meditation experiences after the class. 

I first started to do regular yoga in the late summer of 2017 when I saw a flyer about Friday night yoga classes in a Hindu temple. The classes would normally last 2 hours and were free for everyone, although donations were encouraged. 

I've recently gone back into doing yoga at home. However, because of my uncontrolled asthma at the moment, I am only doing standing asanas in order to reduce the stress on my lungs.

5). Keep learning languages

One of the joys that I have had in my life over the years is learning foreign languages. From the days of learning French at school form the age of 10, to now being a daily language learner from the comfort of my own home. Learning languages means leaning about new groups of people and new cultures. It has also given me a higher level of confidence speaking to other people.

I have been learning Portuguese since encountering my Brazilian managers in my old volunteering job in 2019 and I have not looked back since. I am still using various materials to improve my Portuguese and I have now helped many Brazilians with their English as part of language exchange. I now have online Portuguese classes to make sure that I am making progress in the language.

I started 2022 by launching a life blog in Portuguese where I share various life and cultural experiences in the Portuguese language.  https://vidaricharddavis.blogspot.com/

I hope to take online classes in other languages too like Spanish and French so that I can improve my comprehension of those languages too.

My asthma: 2 years on.

It has now been about 2 years since I had that severe influenza infection that has given me so many difficulties in the last 2 years. Throughout this time, my life has been dictated by a tight chest and heavy coughing, sneezing, wheezing, and sweating. There has been times where I have feared for my own survival. 

Thankfully, there is light at the end of the tunnel and my asthma is starting to be better controlled which is allowing me to move around better and even be able to workout at a gym.

However, I still have periods of coughing and sneezing occasionally which triggers my already tight chest which still slows my body down making me unable to move around sufficiently.

I'm slowly getting closer to getting my normal life back. However, with my tight chest, and a peak flow that has dropped to an average of only about 350, I still have to be careful with my own body and take medication as prescribed.

I am still hoping that one day I will get over this difficult period and go back to doing all of the things that I love doing without the physical restrictions of my asthma.

MY NEW BED

My old bed

 My new bed

Out with the old, in with the new! On the 5th of July, I received a new base for my bed after 13 years of sleeping on my old one. 

Thanks Mum! 😊❤️

Thank you Mum.

THANK YOU MUM 

Since November 2020 I have been going through personal health problems which have affected my breathing and therefore has limited what I have been able to do during this time but one person who has been of great service to me in this difficult period, especially during the pandemic is my mother. 

She has provided me with so many useful things during this time of which without, my life would have been more difficult.

Thank you Mum and I will forever grateful for all of the good things that you have done for me throughout my life.

 INDEPENDENT! ... not single.

One of the most burning questions in my life is How to be happy single. Conventional wisdom over the generations have always said that the key to a happy life is to get married and start a family. Societies throughout the generations have followed this philosophy almost without question. That is... until now. So we now have to ask ourselves the question are married people really happier? I have read articles on the internet giving conflicting conclusions about whether or not happiness really has anything to do with someone's marital status.

Ultimately, I have decided that it really depends on your outlook of life and what your life goals are. There are some who want to be married and start a family while others just want a successful career out of their biggest passion in life. It can also depend somewhat on your character. Some work better in groups while others prefer to work alone. Some gain energy with other people around them while others lose it. Some are happy having lots of friends in life while others prefer just to have that one really good companion.

One thing about life on this day in 2016 is that it is not the relationship itself that makes you happy, but rather the thoughts behind of the relationship. That is the thought (and not necessarily the reality) that there is somebody out there that can make you happy for the rest of your life. However, for most of us, this will prove to be only a pipe dream and with marriage rates going down and divorce rates going up virtually across the board, maybe we need to re-think what it actually means to be happy in life. 

Can we be happy on our own? Of course we can. There are many ways of making ourselves happy in our own solitude from doing our favourite hobbies, to eating our favourite food to having a walk in the park to listening to our favourite music. Ultimately, we can create our own happiness be being free of the thoughts that make us unhappy. Basically, happiness is simply the lack of unhappiness.

Perhaps the most prominent reason that people feel the need to find a romantic partner (or even just a friend in some cases) is loneliness. Loneliness is a topic that I have covered in detail in the past on this blog site. However, it has to be said that I think loneliness to this day is still a relatively misunderstood thing. Many people believe that loneliness is simply being on their onw when in fact, loneliness is the feeling that we have when we are on our own. It is the shame and guilt that we feel when we our on our own because we often put ourselves under pressure to to have friends and be friends with other people. Loneliness is also the feeling of dependency of other people making them happy in some way; and that takes me nicely to the crux of this post.

When we think of ourselves as 'single' in the context of intimate relationships, we often think of our lives in terms of  lack; who or even what we are lacking in our lives. There is always an aura of negativity when we have to refere to us as single, which is basically saying that we are lacking someone in our lives. This leaves a metaphoric hole in our hearts where we don't even feel like a complete person. Notice that when we say that we are looking for our other half, we are essentially calling ourselves a half! Do we really want to live the rest our our lives as 'a half'? What a terrible thought! Do we really want to be 'half' people living 'half' lives? This is the whole point of this post. We want to be whole!..not half.  Who on earth wants to be a half person living a half life. Life is meant to be lived to the full, not half. We want to a WHOLE...not a hole! (Yes, the English language does strange things like this. Two words that sounds the same but are spelt slightly differently with different meanings. It's amazing between feeling complete and incomplete can be just one letter. (or two))

So, how do we we become happy single? Well... the answer is kind of the title of this blog post.

STOP THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF AS SINGLE AND START THINKING OF YOURSELF AS ... ... INDEPENDENT!

Doesn't that feel better? Notice how the word independent makes you feel less ... well ... dependent. However, this is not to say that you will never depend on anyone or anything doing certain things to get a desired result (we all need help from other people sometimes) but it will make you feel a lot stronger emotionally and help you focus on the bigger picture in life that is the picture of your own happiness. Yes that's right! You own happiness that you gained ... on your own. As Thich Naht Hanh once said, "Happiness is available, please help yourselves." 

Ultimately, we create our own happiness. which doesn't require other people to give it to us. We can still look for our partners and friends but now we can do it with without the perception that we need them in order to make us happy. Once we realise that we can get our own happiness in life, We are free!

NOW GO OUT THERE AND ENJOY YOUR INDEPENDENCE!

 MY REVIEW OF 2021

HEALTH

As I write this document, I am  currently going through one of the worst health spells of my life. For a little over a year now, I have experienced some of he worst asthma of my life. The symptoms were first present in mid- November 2020 after suffering flu symptoms. The asthma has become so debilitating that I have felt very restricted in my everyday activities. There are day where I can barely walk without sweating an feeling breathless. It has lead to me seeing my GP on numerous occasions about my strong and ongoing asthma symptoms. There is now speculations that it can be more than asthma going on in my lungs. Lung conditions including Bronchitis have been thought of to why I continuously have breathing problems throughout the day. We wont know until March 2022 earliest as that is when my spirometry test is due to happen. Until then, I just have to do my best to survive in these trying times.

FAMILY

Family life has been very difficult for me this year with various misunderstandings about certain things the I posted on my personal Facebook account over the reasons for me being unable to find a romantic partner. To this day, I still do not understand why my mother and family  are so upset about me posting my thoughts about why I cannot get a girlfriend.  I can only think that family pride is to blame for this perception.

On 13th of July, I published a blog about what I would like to see more of in my family, which I later posted a link of in my personal Facebook account. The blog was simply about how my family can better support me. This lead to not only a fallout with my mother but also a fallout with my younger sister. My sister thought that I cared about Facebook more than I did about my family but this was simply a misperception of the situation. I actually wrote that blog because I actually do care about my family and I wanted to help them help me in a better way. My sister never understood this and eventually pushed my away saying: "If you don care, than I don't care 

Thankfully, after a handful of conversations, my mother and I have come to an agreement on certain thing like how to get a date and the things that my mother can an cannot do for me.

Throughout my whole life, I have always struggled to have the confidence to talk to my family directly as I have found myself in too many painful fallouts which have preciously lead to a shutdowns in communication and even fights.

Thanks to the help and support that I have received from over-the-phone counselling, I have gained a lot more confidence in verbal communication than I have had previously. That leads me nicely to my next topic.

COUNCELLING

Between early October and mid November, I was given 6 weekly counselling sessions from the counselling organisation Care to Listen. My counsellor was a woman who explained her perspectives of my situation with my family and ill feelings of not being able to find a romantic partner. One concept that she brought consistently was communication. The things that she said about communication was (at least in my eye) ground-breaking. For most of my life, I have always been very structured in my communicating, whether it was face-to-face, over the phone, in writing of even on social media.

The things that my counsellor taught me about communication were as follows:

1). Communication is a trial and error process. 

There isn't always a right of wrong way to communicate to a person. Sometimes you just have to try different things to get the desired result. Different people send and receive different types of communication differently and you simply have to adapt to the person you are talking to depending on his/her way of interprating language.

2). It's OK to ask a woman out. 

This may sound rather obvious to a lot of my readers but before my counselling sessions, I did not believe that is was a good idea to directly ask a woman out. I thought that it would sound cringeworthy to women if a man was so open about his intimate feelings to a woman. I thought that women would simply freak out if I said anything like "Can I have your number please" to them. However, I have been assured that this way of communicating your desire of someone is completely normal and that it is possible for me to say something like this to a woman that I have deep feelings for.

3). You can only control 50% of any relationship.

No matter how good your intentions are, there are always going to be relationships out there that simply will not work. AT the end of the day, you can only do your half of the relationship. If the other half of the relationship is not going to co-oprerate with you, there nothing you can really do about it. Don't take it personally. You just have forget about the person, wish him/her good luck and move on.

4). It's OK to talk to strangers.

When I was growing up, I was told not to talk to strangers. However, one thing that my counsellor told me is that many relationships start with people that are at first unknown to you. One thing that I need to learn is to talk to strangers. Perhaps I can start by saying hello to someone who works a corner shop or a supermarket. I think this will be a good starting point.

5). Stay confident

One beautiful thing that my counsellor pointed out to me is that I am actually a better communicator that I think. I think my lack of confidence over the years is due to the theory that people on the autism spectrum typically struggle with verbal communication. Therefore, when I find myself in a fallout with someone, I often credit this theory and and start despairing at what I have lost. My counsellor however told me that with time. I will eventually find better people to talk to if I stay at it and keep going. There will always be someone good out there to talk to.

CHESS

In what is my first full calendar year without any over-the-board competition since joining South Norwood Chess Club, I think I have achieved various notable things on the playing site lichess.org.

First, I was a regular competitor in the Coulsdon Chess Fellowship (CCF) 10 minute-a-side rapid-play swiss tournaments on the site which was played on Mondays and Fridays until June. I won 3 of those tournaments within this calendar year a few others from the previous year. However, what was even more pleasing was the fact that I have won 2 of the ChessNetwork 10-minute-a-side Rapid-play tournaments that since the pandemic have happened every Saturday afternoon.  It has also been year in which I have reached new peak rapid and blitz ratings.

On the 5th of August this year, literally 365 days after I had announced my retirement for over-the-board chess, I decided to reverse my decision and plan to play over-the-board chess in the future. However, as of yet, I have not been able to resume over-the -board activity due to the health reasons I mentioned above.

LANGUAGE LEARNING

One interesting ambitions that I had a the start of the year is to start (or restart) learning languages other that Brazilian Portuguese which I have been learning for 2 and a half years. I actually made a weekly schedule at the start of the years about the languages that I would learn. Unfortunately, my problems with my lungs started to take its toll and and in the end, I simply didn't have he energy to learn languages every day. I have however been able to successfully find a good Portuguese teacher who currently lives in Brazil and has given me good lessons via Skype and Zoom for a reasonable fee. 

I feel confident enough in my Portuguese to have confidence speaking the language to native speakers. However. This is not to say that I don't make mistakes nor do I not have moments where I have to look for words to complete a sentence. It just means that I have learnt the language long and well enough to make my own sentences and and keep conversation going within the language. I do however still go through all of the challenges that many language learners go through with pronunciation, grammar, vocabulary and even listening to somebody talk a speed. (Mind you, I find it hard to understand a rambler even in English.) The keys to leaning any language is patience, persistence, regular study, practice and having fun.

FUTURE

One thing that I plan to do when my lung health improves is to enroll in a course to become a qualified online English teacher which will give me access to teach English to anyone around the world. With of my experience working with the Brazilian community and helping them with their English, I think I am ready to take that the extra mile and make an official career out off what I am currently doing. It's just a matter of fixing my lungs and getting and appointment with the job centre.

I also want to do a course on accounting as I am currently elected as a trainee treasurer for the West Thornton Community Association (WTCA) and therefore could do with some training in certain fields of the subject. I actually did do a course on accounting in my final year of college but that was 16 years ago and I am sure that things have changed in the accounting world significantly in that time. Also, I think my interest in accounting will be a lot greater than it is in 2005 as back then, I was still in the process of learning about the adult world as well as the fact that back then, I was still trying to work out certain things in my personal life. I look forward to one day taking over as the treasurer of the WTCA when certain things settle down and the current treasurer is ready to step down from his duties.

I have accumulated a good number of Spanish speaking friends on Facebook, so I think that Spanish will be a good language for me to learn next year as well as continuing my Portuguese studies.

Finally I hope to be well enough to play over-the board chess again after announcing that I have come out of retirement. Since the start of the pandemic I have only been playing in online tournaments.  I look forward to one day seeing my old friends one day (and making new ones)  at South Norwood and CCF and showing everyone what I can do in real life games and tournaments.

The End.

Compleated Saturday 18 December 2021

Returning to chess.

 

Returning to Chess

Hello everybody. 

On the 5th of August 2020, I officially announced my retirement from tournament chess. The reason was that I wanted to pursue a carrier as an  English as a second language (ESL) teacher. This thought was originally motivated by the fact that I had started to learn Brazilian Portuguese while I was working for a charity shop which at the time had 2 Brazilian managers. The head manager decided to make an advertisement in a magazine to encourage people to call me language exchange and English lessons. He believed that I would one day find love through this journey. As much as I looked forward to the challenge of helping people with their English (and practicing my Portuguese at the same time).  

However, this journey came with some major difficulties from the very beginning. Firstly, I had no prior experience in teaching anybody. Secondly, I had to travel to far-away places in London which would involve long and awkward train journeys which at one point saw me have to wake up a 5 o'clock in the morning for a 22 stop underground journey. I needed headphones and Spotify to on my android phone to help me cope with the crowds at the station and the rumbling noises of the underground train. Thirdly, I have had to do this virtually without anybody on my side to give me guidance or advice about how to do the job properly. Essentially this was a lone journey where I had to do everything by myself.

I went to different parts of London to see different members of London's Brazilian community and then... suddenly... the pandemic happened. Lockdown of the UK was announced in March 2020 as the world was gripped by the effects of the Coronavirus outbreak which meant that all but necessary travel was banned in order to keep the public safe. Therefore, virtual measures had to take place for me to take language exchange sessions and English classes. I downloaded Skype and Zoom on my laptop and had various sessions with different people. During the same period, I was looking for a personal Portuguese teacher. I saw an advertisement in the same magazine that my advertisement was in, saying 'Learn Brazilian Portuguese'. I emailed the teacher about my interest in working with her as a student of the language. We agreed to meet at a certain time of the week. 3 O'clock on Friday on Skype. So I arrived at my laptop at 3 O'clock of Friday as we agreed by email ... or so I thought. after many attempts to video call her by Skype, I decided to phone her. complaining in Portuguese about the one hour wait that I had. Then she angrily replied in English that I did not confirm the date and time of the class and even claimed to give me an email, asking for confirmation. (which I didn't see.) In the end, she said  that maybe she is not the right teacher for me and therefore, terminated or relationship. This would prove to be one of many fallouts that I would have throughout this journey.

I also seemed to have many miscommunications with other people who contacted my service. Some wanted English lessons, some wanted language exchange and I wasn't always sure what the person wanted. These moments really destroyed my confidence as I felt like I was desperately letting them down. There were many moments when I asked myself "What did I do wrong?". I got the awful feeling that luck was simply not on my side when it comes to working with other people. 

Then, come the start of 2021, my family got upset with me after I made a post , giving possible reasons why I have not been able to find a girlfriend on Facebook. I had demands from my family to delete the post, even though the post had absolutely nothing to do with them. To this day, I still scratch my head about what the fuss was about. I got into trouble with my family again in July 2021 when I wrote a blog about how my family can better support me. Once again, they were offended by the post and demanded for it to be deleted. It is obvious to me that my family does not want to know about my life desire, nor do they want to know about my ambitions.

One thing that I have known for a ling time is that people with Asperger Syndrome seem to have a much harder time making and maintaining relationships with other people. No doubt that I have experience this in so many ways in the last 2 years.

There has been a handful of moments in my life where I thought that I can get something out there that is somehow 'better' than chess. As you can see from the stories above, that has proven to be just a big illusion. No matter what happens to me in life, I will always love the game of chess and I will always have the game o chess in my life. It's simply what I do when the worst comes to the worst in life. Quite simply for me, Chess IS life. It's my past, my present and my future.

Hence, I will be making a return to over-the-board chess at some point. However, the return will not be an immediate one as I plan to start a ESL training and accounting courses before returning to the real life 64 square battlefield full-time.

Moral of the story is this. Never leave your biggest passion in life. You never know when you might need it.

Thank you for reading.

The importance of family support.

 The importance of family support.

The last 2 years of my life have been quite drama and at times traumatic. This has been mainly because of the false anticipation of of having a romantic partner in my life which in the end, didn't look close to happening. 

One of the most ongoing feelings in my life is loneliness. This is because I have had a lot of negativity from other people. I think that I am often a misunderstood person because I have certain interests that are not particularly popular and do things that not everybody understands. 

Throughout my life, I have struggled to gain and maintain relationships both personal and professional. At the age of 35, I don't think it is even worth it anymore to look for 'the one' as I have struggled so  much to gain and maintain relationships. Instead, I ask for all of my family to be as supportive as they possibly can towards me. That means that whatever dream that I have in life that they support it without question.

Here is what I want from my family:

Empathy and forgiveness

I want my family to be supportive and understanding when the worst comes to the worst. They have to understand that I will make mistakes along the way and will misunderstand certain things.

Counselling

I want my family to feel like a safe group to talk about the deep and difficult personal issues in my life so that they don't linger in my head.

Backing

I want my family to support and respect whatever life direction that I intend to make. They have to understand that it is MY  life.

Appreciation

I want my family to understand that I make a lot of efforts for them because I want them to be proud of me. I may not be the son or brother that they dreamed of but I always do my best for the sake of may family.

I hope my family can understand all of this.